Thursday, June 28, 2007

Is that your iPhone in your pocket?

We enjoy ourselves some good porn every once in awhile. By "awhile," we mean, like, every day.

We're not obsessed with it, though. We've never felt the need to carry it around in our pockets, wherever we go. We're more than content to watch it on the old porn machine, er, laptop.

But hey, who are we to judge?

We've been reading over on Fleshbot, that porn producers are gearing up to provide video for the new iPhones. That's not exactly a new thing, since porn downloads have been available for the iPod for some time.

But from what we've seen, the iPhone is going to blow away the iPod. It's going to do to iPods, what TiVo did to VHS machines.

Still, we're having a hard time getting our minds around this whole pocket porn concept.

It's not that we think porn on an iPhone is a bad thing. It's that we think watching anything on such a small screen is a little unnecessary.

And then we started to think about it, and we realized that with a 3.5 inch screen, a video on the iPhone is going to be only slightly smaller than a YouTube video.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Weekend of shameless plugs

We're still figuring out what exactly this blog is going to be when it grows up. When we want some inspiration, we peruse the offerings at Humor-Blogs dot com. There's an excellent selection of bloggers over there who are a lot funnier than we can hope to be.

Ok. That was shameless plug #1.

If you've got HBO, you really should check out the new show Flight of the Conchords, Sunday @ 10:30 p.m. EST. If you're into silly deadpan humor, you'll get a kick out of Bret and Jemaine, two New Zealanders trying to make it in the Big Apple. In real life, they are a musical comedy duo that goes by the same name as the TV show. If you want to know more about the show, check out one of our other blogs.

On to shameless plug #3.

And as long as we're whoring for traffic, we'd like to take a moment to honor the world's smartest man. His name is Hammer and he's a lot smarter than us. He came up with this idea to get a lot of other smart people, though not quite as smart as him, to link to his very funny blog, Hammer Uncut. He calls it a link exchange on steroids. We figured this blog could use a little juice.

And, finally, we'd like to end with these thoughts: Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, free porn, naked coeds, Angelina Jolie nude, cheerleader sex, barely legal, bikini models, Pamela Anderson sex tape, Jenna Jameson hot lesbian action.

Friday, June 22, 2007

So life-like, it might kill you

We miss the good old days, back when everyone practiced free love and there was nothing a little antibiotics couldn't cure.

Actually, we're a little young to remember that.

We grew up in mortal fear that our private parts might spontaneously combust if we didn't practice safe sex.

But we never thought it would come to this. Now you can't even pull out your favorite sex toy for playtime without fears that you could be killing yourself.

It seems there's concern that phthalates, a material commonly used in dildos and vibrators, could be hazardous to your health. It's apparently the material that gives a dildo that jelly-like feel.

Some consumer safety advocates recommend that if you're going to use a toy made with phthalates, you might want to consider sliding a condom over it (We recommend Durex).

There is some debate whether phthalates are actually harmful. You should also be aware that the material is used in a lot of other things from baby teething rings to raincoats.

A few opinions on the subject can be found at Babeland's Blog and Alternet.

(Our lawyers have advised us to make clear that the photo of "Mr. Limpy" was used for illustrative purposes only. We have no knowledge of or make any claims that Mr. Limpy either contains phthalates or is phthalate-free. Furthermore, we wonder if 6.5 inches of flaccid penis really should be considered "medium." That is all.)

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The case of the purloined papers

When we were youngsters, our mother told us the importance of always wearing clean underwear. As good old mom would say, you never know when you might get into an accident.

Thinking back on those words years later, we wonder what exactly she meant.

Did she mean that we might end up in an ambulance, where the paramedics, who should be feverishly trying to save our lives, will be too busy laughing at our beat-up knickers to perform CPR?

The point is, don't leave the house in anything that you might be embarrassed to be seen in.

So, if you're going to head to a sporting event, put letters on your belly and, basically, draw attention to yourself, don't be too surprised if you end up on the front page of a newspaper.

Apparently, a couple coeds at Farmington State College in Massachusetts, had some remorse after seeing their photo in the school paper. Their solution was to steal as many of the newspapers as they could.

Really, there's nothing wrong with any of the girls in this photo. But two of them, you'll have to guess which two because school officials aren't saying, have admitted to the theft, saying they thought the picture made them look "fat."

School officials are making them pay for the cost of the missing papers. Their real punishment? Having the picture they wanted no one to see, posted all over the Internet.

Friday, June 15, 2007

She has our vote

We're not political. We dislike most Republicans and Democrats, equally. But we like the Obama Girl. She's in the video I got a crush on Obama.

The Barack Obama campaign, of course, says they have nothing to do with the video, which stars bikini pinup girl Amber Lee Ettinger. Instead, it appears to be the creation of, a new site whose motto is "Politics are ugly. Girls are pretty."

We're not sure what this site is going to be about, since there's not much on it. But if they keep the videos coming, we may have to start paying attention to politics.

By the way, Amber Lee is not Leah Kaufman, who sings the song and gives us the lyric, "Up in the oval office, you'll get your head of state." Leah has a knack at hitting the top of the YouTube charts with videos of hot chicks lip synching her songs. Last year, she gave the world My Box in a Box.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Have you seen the one about the 70 virgins?

We haven't posted much this week because we're in hiding.

In case you haven't heard, Iran has declared a jihad against pornographers, making it a capital crime to produce smut over there.

Not that we consider ourselves pornographers but, sometimes, we do post some racy photos of the ladies. Take this shot, for example. This picture is hot. That may be the hottest ankle I've ever seen.

We're posting it in defiance of the Iranian parliment because we feel it's our duty to help provide suitable spank material for 13-year-old Iranian boys.

We vaguely remember reading somewhere that it's always the forbidden fruit that tastes the sweetest. We're already predicting that the next big thing on the Internet will be illegal Iranian porn.

Monday, June 11, 2007

We've been flickr'd

We're a little slow in blogging about Flickr's problems filtering content because, and this is embarrassing, we don't have a Flickr account and we never really browsed it until recently.

Dammit, if we can't get off the site now. Who would have thunk that so many people around the world post pictures of women in bikinis and lingerie?

We're still not sure how to use the site all that well. We know that when we typed "porn" into the search box, 52,458 results were returned but of the 24 pictures returned on the first page, 7 were pictures of food, 5 were artsy landscape photos and 1 was of Ronald McDonald.

Maybe, it's related to how Flickr has been pissing people off lately? Blogger Violet Blue has several posts about her frustrations with Flickr's censors. Violet even got a post devoted to her at Fleshbot.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

What a girl wants

A very wise woman once told us, when a lesbian gives you advice on making love to a woman, you best take notes. So, when lesbians put a list together of the top 100 hottest women in the world, we're paying attention.

The ladies at were a little irked last month when Maxim relased their Hot 100 List. It's safe to say what lesbians find sexy in a woman often differs greatly from what your average American horn-dog straight male finds sexy.

A lot of times it's subtle differences. As AfterEllen puts it, the women they find sexiest, are the women they'd like to be. Lindsay Lohan who topped Maxim's list, fell to 79 on the lesbian scale. Eight of the top 10 women on the AfterEllen ranking didn't even make the Maxim list.

Not surprisingly, hotties who are lesbian, bisexual or gay friendly did well on the AfterEllen list. Leisha Hailey, star of Showtime's the L Word, was the top hottie on the lesbian list.

Here's how the fantastic four from each list compares:

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Meet Posh, UK's new ho, er, woman of the year

We still haven't decided what we think of Posh, erstwhile Spice Girl, wife of footballer David Beckham, and recently crowned Great Britian's "Woman of the Year."

We've followed Beckham since he made his World Cup debut on England's 1998 squad. We are not gay. We are not gay curious. But if we were, we would think Becks is one juicy slab of prime rib.

Of course, there's another reason, we appreciate Beckham. If there were no Beckham, Bend it like Beckham would never have been made, which means the world might never have known Kiera Knightly. That would have been a tragedy.

But, really, we never paid that much attention to Posh, a.ka. Victoria Beckham, nee Adams. These days, we don't have much choice. Everywhere we turn, there she is.

We find it curious that she shows up at the "Glamour" awards ceremony looking like she just made bail the morning after a Sunset Strip vice sweep.

We know this because we're dedicated readers of Go Fug Yourself. (We can only dream of being as snarky and bitchy as Heather and Jessica, the two bloggers behind the Fug.)

Don't get us wrong. We think Posh is hot, despite her hooker fetish. But WTF is up with her never smiling? It's hard to work up any good lust for a woman who seems so unhappy in her hotness. It's not like we forced her to dress like that.

We'll also admit that we fancied her a wee bit more before she stole Edward Furlong's hairstyle from T-2. (We stole that line from Heather and Jessica).

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

For the love of the game

Is it wrong to love Lara Croft?

We know it would never work out. She's graceful and acrobatic and can kick your ass 10 different ways to Sunday. She also wears a pair of shorts, tanktop and holsters better than anyone we know. We doubt we're her type but a guy can dream, can't he?

It has been years since we first played Tomb Raider on our old Playstation. Ten years to be exact. We remember how conflicted we were running through the jungle, doing flips while simultaneously drawing down with both barrels on man-eating tigers.

On the one hand, we enjoyed the idea of controlling this sexy killing machine's every move. On the other, we weren't used to being so damn hot. We wanted to rip our clothes off right there in the Amazon.

Anyways, the makers of Tomb Raider are putting out a 10th Anniversary edition of their game. As part of the marketing behind the game's release this week, they assembled most of the models who have posed as Lara Croft at some point. That doesn't include Angelina Jolie, who starred in both movies, or Petra Verkaik, who did a famous strip tease video, or adult website model Aimee Sweet.

Below is our own montage homage to Lara Croft. The six models who have portrayed Lara Croft on behalf of the Tomb Raider gamemaker, Eidos, clockwise from top left: Nell McAndrew, Lucy Clarkson, Lara Weller, Rhona Mitra, Jill De Jong and Karima Adebibe.

Monday, June 4, 2007

G marks the spot

Atlantis. Shangri-La. El Dorado. The G-spot.

Which of these mythical locations actually exists? We swear this isn't a trick question.

Some men have spent their entire lives searching for the G-spot only to come up empty handed. Well, no longer has their fumbling and stumbling been in vain.

Thank modern medicine for showing us the way to the land of milk and honey. A new procedure called a G-shot injects collagen into a woman's Grafenberg Spot, which makes the elusive, little pleasure point swell up to the size of a quarter.

Even the most uncoordinated, directionally-challenged guys can find their way with that kind of help.

We'd also like to take this moment to honor Ernst Gräfenberg, a German-born gynecologist who spent his life studying the female orgasm. This man is our hero. This man should have his own national holiday.

To read about one woman's journey into the unknown, check out the Stiletto Diaries. And for those who do better with video instruction, Fleshbot offers a link.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Swinging his A-Rod

We wanted to write something funny today but there's no sense faking it. We've just driven 20 hours non-stop across the country and we're typing on fumes. We wanted to write about A-Rod getting busted with his girlie friend. We're sure there's some good material in there: strippers, out-of-town flings, a pissed-off wife. Instead, we're going to post a couple videos, have a sip of Scotch, maybe take a dip in the hot tub, and then it's off to dreamland. [Update: His mistress has a name: Joslyn Morse, a Vegas stripper who supposedly has appeared in Playboy. The nudie pictures of Joslyn are here]

And as long as we're on our little run of sports-related posts, check this one out. If this isn't a sport, it should be.

We play a mean air guitar. Sometimes, we crank up Nirvana and pretend that we're on stage at Redrocks circa 1991(Yeah, we know Nirvana never played there, but this is our fantasy). When we play air guitar, we move our fingers up and down in what we think is a pretty good imitation of an actual musician. We imagine that women watch us play air guitar and think to themselves, "Wow, not only is that guy sexy, he can rock! I want to fuck him." After watching this video, we're pretty sure that air sex is definitely not a good way to show off your love-making skills.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Allison has us Stokked

News flash: She's 18. That makes her, as they say, barely legal.

We're both relieved and a little embarrassed. Relieved to find out that the hot-as-hell pole vaulter we've lusted for is 18. A little embarrassed to find out she was only in high school when the famous picture of her at a track meet was snapped.

The Washington Post has an article on Allison Stokke's Internet fame, which apparently is something she never really wanted. We first saw her on Goldy's World. But according to the WaPo, the picture may have first appeared on WithLeather.

Well, now it seems the whole thing has ignited a debate on the "morals" of posting the picture in the first place. We'll be the first to admit that our moral compass is set a little loose but we think there's some people out there who need to get a grip.

The picture was taken in a public place; it's not lewd, suggestive or otherwise improper. What you're really talking about is trying to police people's thoughts and speech. That's dangerous.

We can appreciate those who might sympathize with Allison and her family but to think that bloggers should hold themselves accountable for her unwanted fame is a little silly and sooo last century.

Porn trooper update

Your name is Barbie. You drive a pink car. And not just any pink car but the most famous pink Honda in all of Tennessee.

It's probably not a great time for you to write about how you've had illegal narcotics in your car or how you like to knock the cocktails back at happy hour. Or is it?

Barbie Cummings, the porn star who gave a blow job to a state trooper during a traffic stop, is enjoying her 15 minutes of fame. She writes about life post trooper on her new (temporary) blog site. Soon, the frequent star of sites such as Black on Blonde, will get her own site at the domain name that used to be home to her blog, Her producer, Billy Watson, has his own blog, I Shoot Porn, where he has made some interesting points about the whole episode.

As for the trooper, he was fired last week.

And as for the video clip of their encounter, it's popping up on the web. We found a couple sites that have posted it. The clip we saw was short but in it, the police scanner plays while Barbie shows off her talents.

As for every cop in Tennessee? We imagine they're keeping an eye out for a pink Honda.

Monday, May 28, 2007

We couldn't have said it better

We interrupt your Memorial Day festivities to bring you this public service announcement.

We believe it's important to remember all those who have sacrificed so that pervs like us can write and post what we want without fear that jack-booted thugs are going to haul us away.

The pic above comes from Belgium's Nee party, which has gained worldwide notoriety for senate candidate Tania Derveaux's campaign pledge to deliver 40,000 blow jobs to supporters all around the world. If she wins, she would spend almost two years of her term delivering on her promise. It comes out to 80 blow jobs a day for 500 days and that's only if she keeps to her self-imposed limit of 5-minutes per hummer.

This is the point where we usually come up with some funny pun but, frankly, we're too drunk. Talk amongst yourselves.

Take sexual harrassment seriously

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Cops: Are these your panties?

When we were kids we used to collect stuff: baseball cards, stamps, rocks, even beer bottles. So, we kinda understand what must have driven a Colorado man who swiped 1,300 pairs of panties, bras and other female undergarments from laundry rooms around Colorado State University in Fort Collins.

At least 11 women have stepped forward to identify their undies but police say they won't get them back until they're finished prosecuting 43-year-old Chih Hsien Wu. Personally, we think that anyone who wants their panties back after this, might be a little stranger than Mr. Wu.

Here at the 500 Pound Gorilla, we urge you to enjoy your fetishes but, please, keep them legal. When we're looking for a nice pair of used boy shorts or a v-string, we turn to Craigslist.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Save the camel toe!

We've never been too fond of bicycle seats. They're not really designed with guys in mind. Even if your junk runs on the small side, there's just no way to keep the boys comfy.

And while we consider ourselves an authority on the female form, we didn't know that women had the same kind of problems. And we were really blown away to find out that the problem is so pervasive that thousands of women in the U.S. and U.K. have resorted to surgically altering their labias.

Actually, that's just one of the reasons behind this new trend in cosmetic surgery. Some of the women in a British medical study also said they turned to the procedure because they couldn't wear tight clothing or just because they didn't like the way they looked down there.

The British study was critical of the surgery, saying for most women, it's kind of silly and unnecessary, though they used much bigger words, being doctors and British. Most of the women who wanted these designer vaginas "wanted their vulvas to be flat and with no protrusion, similar to the prepubescent look of girls in Western fashion ads."

We believe adults should be free to do whatever they want with their bodies but we are a little concerned what this might mean for the future of the camel toe.

We're big fans of the toe. But only on women.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Today's sex lesson

Here's some facts about internet porn that you might not have known, presented in a way that makes sure you'll pay attention. We also learned we might have to get out more because we found ourselves concentrating more on trying to read the words than looking at the model. [Hat tip to Video Buzz.]

Like a virgin, only different

Another news item from the we-really-got-to-lighten-up-and-take-a-joke department.

This time, it's actress Katie Holmes who is gearing up her legal team to go after a wannabee porn starlet named, not so coincidently, Katee Holmes (that's her above).

Holmes, the one not married to our favorite wacky Scientologist, is allegedly an 18-year-old fashion student who claims her virginity is still intact. Shane's World Studios plans to feature her in a porn-ocumentary entitled True Diary: I'm A Virgin.

We use the term allegedly because we don't think any self-respecting fashion student would wear such a ratty skirt.

According to AVN the movie will "follow Holmes' entry into the porn business, from her first girl/girl scenes to choosing the right male partner for her boy/girl debut. The movie begins shooting in two weeks for a projected fall 2007 release. "

The other Holmes, the one we'd actually pay to see in a porno as long as it didn't have anything to do with her husband or eating placentas, was so pissed she immediately decided to give virgin Katee a million dollars in free publicity.

Non-porn Katie isn't exactly a virgin when it comes to onscreen nudity. She took it off in The Gift, a movie we won't even pretend to have seen. Though, we will admit to having googled for the stills. Nice. We like. Here's the non-virgin Katie looking out from what we guess is her glass-enclosed cell, high atop the Scientology tower.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Just push play

We aren't ashamed to admit it.

We love our Ipod. If it were a woman, we'd cuddle up with it at night and tell her how beautiful she is and smother her with deep, passionate kisses.

That's why we're kicking ourselves for not having thought of the Igasm first. It's a sex toy sold in the United Kingdom that plugs into your Ipod and vibrates to the rhythm of the beat.

Apple's lawyers, who we always thought would have a sense of humor, are none to pleased with the way the Igasm is being marketed. They've told the maker Ann Summers to remove all the product's ads, which use a sly takeoff on the famous Apple silhouette marketing campaign.

Interestingly, the term Igasm was already in the Urban dictionary.

1. iGasm ~ An orgasm induced from listening to songs on an iPod or other mp3 player.
I enjoyed that song so much it made me iGasm.

We're still looking for some product reviews.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

One way out of a ticket

Sometimes, we fantasize about being a cop. The uniform. The sidearm. The handcuffs. The blow jobs from porn stars.

We just hope we're as quick on our feet as Tennessee Tooper James Randy Moss, who pulled over Barbie Cummings (her real name is Justis Richert) in her pink Honda going 92 in a 70 mph zone.

We probably would have just asked for an autographed photo.

Of course, we're not highly trained police officers.

According to reports, Moss whipped out his nightstick and asked for a little more. Cummings, who lives in Tennessee but commutes to L.A. to shoot her pornos, was more than happy to oblige, especially considering she had some narcotics in her car and some alcohol in the back seat.

In exchange, Moss conveniently tossed the "happy pills," as Cummings describes them on her blog, into the bushes.

You could say trooper and porn star were just extending each other some professional courtesies.

Cummings' wrote about the incident in a May 7 entry on her blog. It was down when we tried to check it out today but thank goodness for Google's cache files.
He kept saying to me, and now I understand why, “are you sure you aren’t hiding anything on your persons?” He asked me that about ten times, and I just thought it was routine.

Well, now I understand what he wanted me to do. So, he asks me about what I do. I tell him internet and movies.

He asks me one of the sites, I tell him to go to my blog(this one). He then proceeds to open his lap top in his car.(I mind you, at this point I am sitting in the front seat of his car with him)

He brings up my blog and we watch two of my video clips. I don’t even know what to do at this point, I thought I was going to jail.

He says to me, while staring at the screen, “this is making me hard.”

Oh dear…

Now, I understand.
Below is a cropped version of a photo that Cummings posted on her site that Moss supposedly snapped during the traffic stop. Be sure to check out the interview with Cummings on the Knoxville News Sentinel's web site.