Thursday, May 31, 2007

Swinging his A-Rod

We wanted to write something funny today but there's no sense faking it. We've just driven 20 hours non-stop across the country and we're typing on fumes. We wanted to write about A-Rod getting busted with his girlie friend. We're sure there's some good material in there: strippers, out-of-town flings, a pissed-off wife. Instead, we're going to post a couple videos, have a sip of Scotch, maybe take a dip in the hot tub, and then it's off to dreamland. [Update: His mistress has a name: Joslyn Morse, a Vegas stripper who supposedly has appeared in Playboy. The nudie pictures of Joslyn are here]

And as long as we're on our little run of sports-related posts, check this one out. If this isn't a sport, it should be.

We play a mean air guitar. Sometimes, we crank up Nirvana and pretend that we're on stage at Redrocks circa 1991(Yeah, we know Nirvana never played there, but this is our fantasy). When we play air guitar, we move our fingers up and down in what we think is a pretty good imitation of an actual musician. We imagine that women watch us play air guitar and think to themselves, "Wow, not only is that guy sexy, he can rock! I want to fuck him." After watching this video, we're pretty sure that air sex is definitely not a good way to show off your love-making skills.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Allison has us Stokked

News flash: She's 18. That makes her, as they say, barely legal.

We're both relieved and a little embarrassed. Relieved to find out that the hot-as-hell pole vaulter we've lusted for is 18. A little embarrassed to find out she was only in high school when the famous picture of her at a track meet was snapped.

The Washington Post has an article on Allison Stokke's Internet fame, which apparently is something she never really wanted. We first saw her on Goldy's World. But according to the WaPo, the picture may have first appeared on WithLeather.

Well, now it seems the whole thing has ignited a debate on the "morals" of posting the picture in the first place. We'll be the first to admit that our moral compass is set a little loose but we think there's some people out there who need to get a grip.

The picture was taken in a public place; it's not lewd, suggestive or otherwise improper. What you're really talking about is trying to police people's thoughts and speech. That's dangerous.

We can appreciate those who might sympathize with Allison and her family but to think that bloggers should hold themselves accountable for her unwanted fame is a little silly and sooo last century.

Porn trooper update

Your name is Barbie. You drive a pink car. And not just any pink car but the most famous pink Honda in all of Tennessee.

It's probably not a great time for you to write about how you've had illegal narcotics in your car or how you like to knock the cocktails back at happy hour. Or is it?

Barbie Cummings, the porn star who gave a blow job to a state trooper during a traffic stop, is enjoying her 15 minutes of fame. She writes about life post trooper on her new (temporary) blog site. Soon, the frequent star of sites such as Black on Blonde, will get her own site at the domain name that used to be home to her blog, Her producer, Billy Watson, has his own blog, I Shoot Porn, where he has made some interesting points about the whole episode.

As for the trooper, he was fired last week.

And as for the video clip of their encounter, it's popping up on the web. We found a couple sites that have posted it. The clip we saw was short but in it, the police scanner plays while Barbie shows off her talents.

As for every cop in Tennessee? We imagine they're keeping an eye out for a pink Honda.

Monday, May 28, 2007

We couldn't have said it better

We interrupt your Memorial Day festivities to bring you this public service announcement.

We believe it's important to remember all those who have sacrificed so that pervs like us can write and post what we want without fear that jack-booted thugs are going to haul us away.

The pic above comes from Belgium's Nee party, which has gained worldwide notoriety for senate candidate Tania Derveaux's campaign pledge to deliver 40,000 blow jobs to supporters all around the world. If she wins, she would spend almost two years of her term delivering on her promise. It comes out to 80 blow jobs a day for 500 days and that's only if she keeps to her self-imposed limit of 5-minutes per hummer.

This is the point where we usually come up with some funny pun but, frankly, we're too drunk. Talk amongst yourselves.

Take sexual harrassment seriously

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Cops: Are these your panties?

When we were kids we used to collect stuff: baseball cards, stamps, rocks, even beer bottles. So, we kinda understand what must have driven a Colorado man who swiped 1,300 pairs of panties, bras and other female undergarments from laundry rooms around Colorado State University in Fort Collins.

At least 11 women have stepped forward to identify their undies but police say they won't get them back until they're finished prosecuting 43-year-old Chih Hsien Wu. Personally, we think that anyone who wants their panties back after this, might be a little stranger than Mr. Wu.

Here at the 500 Pound Gorilla, we urge you to enjoy your fetishes but, please, keep them legal. When we're looking for a nice pair of used boy shorts or a v-string, we turn to Craigslist.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Save the camel toe!

We've never been too fond of bicycle seats. They're not really designed with guys in mind. Even if your junk runs on the small side, there's just no way to keep the boys comfy.

And while we consider ourselves an authority on the female form, we didn't know that women had the same kind of problems. And we were really blown away to find out that the problem is so pervasive that thousands of women in the U.S. and U.K. have resorted to surgically altering their labias.

Actually, that's just one of the reasons behind this new trend in cosmetic surgery. Some of the women in a British medical study also said they turned to the procedure because they couldn't wear tight clothing or just because they didn't like the way they looked down there.

The British study was critical of the surgery, saying for most women, it's kind of silly and unnecessary, though they used much bigger words, being doctors and British. Most of the women who wanted these designer vaginas "wanted their vulvas to be flat and with no protrusion, similar to the prepubescent look of girls in Western fashion ads."

We believe adults should be free to do whatever they want with their bodies but we are a little concerned what this might mean for the future of the camel toe.

We're big fans of the toe. But only on women.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Today's sex lesson

Here's some facts about internet porn that you might not have known, presented in a way that makes sure you'll pay attention. We also learned we might have to get out more because we found ourselves concentrating more on trying to read the words than looking at the model. [Hat tip to Video Buzz.]

Like a virgin, only different

Another news item from the we-really-got-to-lighten-up-and-take-a-joke department.

This time, it's actress Katie Holmes who is gearing up her legal team to go after a wannabee porn starlet named, not so coincidently, Katee Holmes (that's her above).

Holmes, the one not married to our favorite wacky Scientologist, is allegedly an 18-year-old fashion student who claims her virginity is still intact. Shane's World Studios plans to feature her in a porn-ocumentary entitled True Diary: I'm A Virgin.

We use the term allegedly because we don't think any self-respecting fashion student would wear such a ratty skirt.

According to AVN the movie will "follow Holmes' entry into the porn business, from her first girl/girl scenes to choosing the right male partner for her boy/girl debut. The movie begins shooting in two weeks for a projected fall 2007 release. "

The other Holmes, the one we'd actually pay to see in a porno as long as it didn't have anything to do with her husband or eating placentas, was so pissed she immediately decided to give virgin Katee a million dollars in free publicity.

Non-porn Katie isn't exactly a virgin when it comes to onscreen nudity. She took it off in The Gift, a movie we won't even pretend to have seen. Though, we will admit to having googled for the stills. Nice. We like. Here's the non-virgin Katie looking out from what we guess is her glass-enclosed cell, high atop the Scientology tower.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Just push play

We aren't ashamed to admit it.

We love our Ipod. If it were a woman, we'd cuddle up with it at night and tell her how beautiful she is and smother her with deep, passionate kisses.

That's why we're kicking ourselves for not having thought of the Igasm first. It's a sex toy sold in the United Kingdom that plugs into your Ipod and vibrates to the rhythm of the beat.

Apple's lawyers, who we always thought would have a sense of humor, are none to pleased with the way the Igasm is being marketed. They've told the maker Ann Summers to remove all the product's ads, which use a sly takeoff on the famous Apple silhouette marketing campaign.

Interestingly, the term Igasm was already in the Urban dictionary.

1. iGasm ~ An orgasm induced from listening to songs on an iPod or other mp3 player.
I enjoyed that song so much it made me iGasm.

We're still looking for some product reviews.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

One way out of a ticket

Sometimes, we fantasize about being a cop. The uniform. The sidearm. The handcuffs. The blow jobs from porn stars.

We just hope we're as quick on our feet as Tennessee Tooper James Randy Moss, who pulled over Barbie Cummings (her real name is Justis Richert) in her pink Honda going 92 in a 70 mph zone.

We probably would have just asked for an autographed photo.

Of course, we're not highly trained police officers.

According to reports, Moss whipped out his nightstick and asked for a little more. Cummings, who lives in Tennessee but commutes to L.A. to shoot her pornos, was more than happy to oblige, especially considering she had some narcotics in her car and some alcohol in the back seat.

In exchange, Moss conveniently tossed the "happy pills," as Cummings describes them on her blog, into the bushes.

You could say trooper and porn star were just extending each other some professional courtesies.

Cummings' wrote about the incident in a May 7 entry on her blog. It was down when we tried to check it out today but thank goodness for Google's cache files.
He kept saying to me, and now I understand why, “are you sure you aren’t hiding anything on your persons?” He asked me that about ten times, and I just thought it was routine.

Well, now I understand what he wanted me to do. So, he asks me about what I do. I tell him internet and movies.

He asks me one of the sites, I tell him to go to my blog(this one). He then proceeds to open his lap top in his car.(I mind you, at this point I am sitting in the front seat of his car with him)

He brings up my blog and we watch two of my video clips. I don’t even know what to do at this point, I thought I was going to jail.

He says to me, while staring at the screen, “this is making me hard.”

Oh dear…

Now, I understand.
Below is a cropped version of a photo that Cummings posted on her site that Moss supposedly snapped during the traffic stop. Be sure to check out the interview with Cummings on the Knoxville News Sentinel's web site.