The case of the purloined papers

When we were youngsters, our mother told us the importance of always wearing clean underwear. As good old mom would say, you never know when you might get into an accident.

Thinking back on those words years later, we wonder what exactly she meant.

Did she mean that we might end up in an ambulance, where the paramedics, who should be feverishly trying to save our lives, will be too busy laughing at our beat-up knickers to perform CPR?

The point is, don't leave the house in anything that you might be embarrassed to be seen in.

So, if you're going to head to a sporting event, put letters on your belly and, basically, draw attention to yourself, don't be too surprised if you end up on the front page of a newspaper.

Apparently, a couple coeds at Farmington State College in Massachusetts, had some remorse after seeing their photo in the school paper. Their solution was to steal as many of the newspapers as they could.

Really, there's nothing wrong with any of the girls in this photo. But two of them, you'll have to guess which two because school officials aren't saying, have admitted to the theft, saying they thought the picture made them look "fat."

School officials are making them pay for the cost of the missing papers. Their real punishment? Having the picture they wanted no one to see, posted all over the Internet.

Have you seen the one about the 70 virgins?

We haven't posted much this week because we're in hiding.

In case you haven't heard, Iran has declared a jihad against pornographers, making it a capital crime to produce smut over there.

Not that we consider ourselves pornographers but, sometimes, we do post some racy photos of the ladies. Take this shot, for example. This picture is hot. That may be the hottest ankle I've ever seen.

We're posting it in defiance of the Iranian parliment because we feel it's our duty to help provide suitable spank material for 13-year-old Iranian boys.

We vaguely remember reading somewhere that it's always the forbidden fruit that tastes the sweetest. We're already predicting that the next big thing on the Internet will be illegal Iranian porn.

Cops: Are these your panties?

When we were kids we used to collect stuff: baseball cards, stamps, rocks, even beer bottles. So, we kinda understand what must have driven a Colorado man who swiped 1,300 pairs of panties, bras and other female undergarments from laundry rooms around Colorado State University in Fort Collins.

At least 11 women have stepped forward to identify their undies but police say they won't get them back until they're finished prosecuting 43-year-old Chih Hsien Wu. Personally, we think that anyone who wants their panties back after this, might be a little stranger than Mr. Wu.

Here at the 500 Pound Gorilla, we urge you to enjoy your fetishes but, please, keep them legal. When we're looking for a nice pair of used boy shorts or a v-string, we turn to Craigslist.

One way out of a ticket

Sometimes, we fantasize about being a cop. The uniform. The sidearm. The handcuffs. The blow jobs from porn stars.

We just hope we're as quick on our feet as Tennessee Tooper James Randy Moss, who pulled over Barbie Cummings (her real name is Justis Richert) in her pink Honda going 92 in a 70 mph zone.

We probably would have just asked for an autographed photo.

Of course, we're not highly trained police officers.

According to reports, Moss whipped out his nightstick and asked for a little more. Cummings, who lives in Tennessee but commutes to L.A. to shoot her pornos, was more than happy to oblige, especially considering she had some narcotics in her car and some alcohol in the back seat.

In exchange, Moss conveniently tossed the "happy pills," as Cummings describes them on her blog, into the bushes.

You could say trooper and porn star were just extending each other some professional courtesies.

Cummings' wrote about the incident in a May 7 entry on her blog. It was down when we tried to check it out today but thank goodness for Google's cache files.

He kept saying to me, and now I understand why, “are you sure you aren’t hiding anything on your persons?” He asked me that about ten times, and I just thought it was routine.

Well, now I understand what he wanted me to do. So, he asks me about what I do. I tell him internet and movies.

He asks me one of the sites, I tell him to go to my blog(this one). He then proceeds to open his lap top in his car.(I mind you, at this point I am sitting in the front seat of his car with him)

He brings up my blog and we watch two of my video clips. I don’t even know what to do at this point, I thought I was going to jail.

He says to me, while staring at the screen, “this is making me hard.”

Oh dear…

Now, I understand.

Below is a cropped version of a photo that Cummings posted on her site that Moss supposedly snapped during the traffic stop. Be sure to check out the interview with Cummings on the Knoxville News Sentinel's web site.